1976 remixed || finding the beauty within

I have been experiencing a serious case of blahs trying to figure out my life and what I need to do next to improve my current situation. I have a lot of things I need to do and something has to take priority.

It all started the other day when I actually started to feel guilty about leaving my job knowing that the busy time is going to start upon my return from my vacation. 

I know that is crazy because well a lot of shit has happened over the past few months and it would be really stupid of me to pretend that everything could be normal again.

I know that is it her presence that has really upset the balance of my department. 

She makes it clear that she has this dislike of me in very passive aggressive ways and because I know how my boss is with his new hires (coupled with his negative and inaccurate perception that I am somehow like his old assistant because I won’t take anyone’s bullshit) it’s not even a battle worth fighting.

My boss is so sure she’s a nice person but many other people have commented on her abrasive style and the fact the she ignores me and then will do weird things like say good morning to me at 12:30 in the afternoon (like I just got in) or ask someone else in another department to order supplies for her (everyone knows I am the person for the department).  It’s all annoying and bitchy to be quite honest.  For the most part, I am over her and her asshole ways.

Going on that one interview gave me food for thought and made me realize that despite the trials and tribulations of my current work place, I’m not ready to move on to somewhere new. 

The idea of having to deal with new work drama in a new place with all the things that are going to be happening in my personal life over the next few months does not make me want to get enthused about leaving. 

I figured out that my “guilt” wasn’t about feeling bad for them if I left right now, it was all about me feeling bad for not making myself a priority knowing how much I need to do in my own life.  I’m tired of planning things I have to do for me around a lot of other things that shouldn’t be priorities. I’ve decided to ride it out until the end of the year — what’s the worst that can happen?  They fire me? Good, then they have to pay me. 

Wait, what did I just say?

Yes I just said it.  I’m riding it out until December 31, 2008 and then I am working like a mofo to get out. I will join the masses of those who resolve to get a new job in the new year (except I will be applying for jobs as of December 1 thank you very much).

The fact that I have to drop off my son every morning complicates my morning and makes it impossible to be at a job before 9:30 and it seems the majority of the people want you at work at 9 if not 8:30… especially in the salary range I am looking for *sigh*  The last thing I want to do is commit to a new job and always be late — imagine landing a better paying job and getting fired because I cannot get there on time.  I would just die.

The fact that school is starting in two weeks and I am taking 4 classes (after almost a year off), I need the “stability” of my crazy current workplace because I already know what kind of down time I have to work on things at work.  Three of my classes are online and this is my first time taking classes online so I need to see how it really works. (Sidenote: how did I forget how expensive books are?  I have spent over $250 and I still have one class to buy books for!)  I know I can do things online especially if they are school related (worse than being fired for being late, would be being fired for using the internet, just sayin’).

Add to this that I am moving in December.  Oh two bedroom apartment here I come!  (I can’t wait to have a toy free bedroom! although I can’t make promises about the rest of the place.)  I will need some flexibility and a few days off to get it done.  Oh the joys of seniority and accumulating days off at a faster rate. A smile creeps upon my face just thinking of all the ways I am going squeeze out every little benefit of staying at this place especially since I have earned them.

I also want to get all the money in flex spending account for childcare.  I have only collected less than half, and I could really use the money (we talking a few thousand here which could come in handy for new things needed for the new apartment).

Plus my new gym finally opened its doors on Friday (yay! for lunchtime gym trips — and a break from my lunch buddies. I love them but it seems like saying no is some kind of crime and I hate explaining myself, they don’t have kids and don’t understand sometimes I want to eat alone without thinking about nothing but my delicious lunch or enjoying a book.) 

So am I doomed to work there forever?  Absolutely not.  I have come to terms with just staying until the end of the year because once I move, my son’s father will be taking over morning duty (one of the perks cohabitation! — more on that in another post).

I am also very excited about the gym.  I have challenged myself to lose 20% of my current bodyweight by the end of the year.  Not only will I be healthier but I will be able to buy more professional looking clothes in a smaller size. 

Ever since I made the decision to stay — I have felt a little more better about what I need to do for me.  Not so overwhelmed by the things that need to get done (well except for my laundry — how I hate the neighborhood laundrymat, laundry on the premises will be a requirement for the next apartment unless I am driving by then). 

I have decided to keep it to myself (well except for posting it here) because a lot of my co-workers who also want to leave would just harp on me about it not understanding my reasoning. I know I am doing the right thing for myself which is the most important thing.

I’m just going to keep my fingers crossed that the four months fly by very quickly and that I make it out of the company before reviews are giving in mid-March (seems very do-able especially since I have a solid plan to follow that makes me feel like I’m leaving with my head held high versus just getting out on their terms and no longer being an unspoken inconvenience for some people).